I’d be a nerd if I could. Really

The Guardian Posted on Friday, August 1st, 2008

Comedian Lucy Porter wonders why her washing machine doesn't have an MP3 player attached

I’d be a nerd if I could. Really

What’s your favourite piece of technology?
My Bosch Classixx 1400 Express washing machine, and matching dryer.

How has it improved your life?
My landlady has put it in the flat, because I’m renting, and it’s really quick, really quiet and means we’re no longer having to hand-wash our knickers in the sink.

When was the last time you used it, and what for?
It’s on right now – there’s a mixed wash with my temporary flatmate, Richard Herring, who is also doing a show at the Edinburgh Fringe. All our bits are going around together – my lovely girl stuff and his stinky boy stuff.

What additional features would you add if you could?
A timer delay would be nice. And I don’t know, everything these days seems to have an MP3 player built in, so it should have an MP3 player attached to it too. I’m sure we’ll soon get the iWash.

Do you think it will be obsolete in 10 years’ time?
Almost certainly. Washing machines tend to break down more than any other appliance. If I could retrain as anything, it would be as a washing machine repairwoman – they must make a mint.

What one tip would you give to non-washing machine users?
Take your clothes into the bath with you – that’s a very eco-friendly way of doing your wash.

Do you consider yourself to be a luddite or a nerd?
Luddite, I’m afraid. I had aspirations to be a nerd – I’ve always been a Mac user – but I tend to always write things out longhand first. And I must have the only Mac in the world that crashes all the time. And force quit is my most-used application. And I hate my mobile phone as well – a Nokia N82, which is the biggest piece of crap. It’s the size of a brick and it does nothing that I want it to and keeps giving me funny error messages.

What’s the most expensive piece of technology you’ve ever owned?
I bought a Nintendo Wii, but I had it for just two days before my nephew stole it from me, so it was kind of expensive for the time that I had it – it probably cost me about 100 quid a day.

Mac or PC?
Mac, although only because I once went out with someone who got me into Macs. Crap reason really, isn’t it?

What song is at the top of your iPod’s top 25 most played?
It’s Love is Like a Butterfly, by Dolly Parton. I now wish that I had made up something a bit cooler, but I do love Dolly.

Will robots rule the world?
Yes, but they’ll be nice robots and I’ll do everything that they tell me to do.

What piece of technology would you most like to own?
Any phone other than the phone I currently have, but O2 won’t let me out of my contract. But if anyone wants to send me a new mobile, I’ll be very grateful.

Lucy Porter (who, by her own admission, updates her website far too infrequently) is appearing the Pleasance Courtyard at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe until August 25

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